Some of the new words that have been added to our English dictionary:

bahookie

n. Scottish a person's buttocks.

– origin 1930s: prob. a blend of behind and hough + -ie.

 

twonk

n. Brit. informal a stupid or foolish person.

– origin 1980s: perh. a blend of twit or twat and plonker.

from Lynne Calder

AN OBITUARY PRINTED IN THE LONDON TIMES

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement ...

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust. His wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;   I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

from Twila Ogletree

This is cute and thought everyone might enjoy it.

Please click on this link Alphabets and Aging

from Susan Bivins

Important Health Advice for Women

 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor

or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more

confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you

out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and

willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately

and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that

prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will

discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start

living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are

pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who

wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, naus ea, vomiting,

incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of

clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table

dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke

and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked

Twister.

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are

whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your

friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can

logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that

you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Red!!!

from Joyce Gilbertson

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well, fooey!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should DELETE.' Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS!

from Betty Paddock

INSTALLING A HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

TEN PUNS

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. 1.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'  (and now they charge you extra for the 2nd piece)
   

2. 2.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
   

3. 3.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
   

4. 4.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
   

5. 5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal ? His goal: transcend dental medication.
   

6. 6.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
   

7. 7.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
   

8. 8.A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers  from th e men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
   

9. 9.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
   

10. 10.And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
    

11. from Kay Leaman
    

Dan, was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1)  I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost. . .I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I’m in the same place.

But it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. . .it’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is MY fault.

I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an  after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally  tall, handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was  so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare  and walked

directly toward her. ( A s All men will.) Before she  could offer her

apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over  and whispered to her,

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything,  that you want me to do, no

matter how kinky, for $20.00........

on one condition"

Flabbergasted, the woman as ked what  the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what  you want me to do in just three  words."

The woman considered  his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20  bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.....

"Clean my  house."    (YOU GO,  GIRL!)

from Colette Bailey

Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.

~Ashleigh Brilliant

Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Women can do anything men can do, but often have more sense than even to be interested. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age. ~Ashleigh Brilliant

Q: What has 50 legs and 5 teeth?

A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

~George Bernard Shaw

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. 

~Jim Davis

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country: he is a bird of bad moral character: like those among men who live by sharping and robbing, he is generally poor and very often lousy.

The turkey is a much more respectable bird and withal a true original native of North America.

~Benjamin Franklin

Halloween Hoots

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts...

How do monsters tell their future?

They read their horrorscope...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

Booberries...

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?

Halloweenies...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite...

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?

A boo boo...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

They're too wrapped up in themselves...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath...

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?

Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot...

Why did the vampires cancel their baseball game?

They couldn't find their bats...

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

V Pumpkin pi...

from AB Priceman

Vicky’s Old Lady

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

from Vicky Watts